Just an update on my mental state.

3 weeks ago I ran out of meds (I’m on Quetiapine) and decided not to catch up with my psychiatrist as I’d really like to get off them. I instantly had issues getting to sleep, which I knew would happen as these little pills knock me the fuck out 30 minutes after I take one, but I thought I’d keep at it, and keep track of my patterns.

Initially I was getting really tired at around 8pm. I’d crash out, have broken sleep and get up at all sorts of hours. 2am, 3am but most of the time 4am. Sometimes I’ll nap during the day, but the napping doesn’t seem to help me catch up on sleep lost. I basically feel like I haven’t slept right for 3 weeks, and in the last week or so I’ve started to feel a little down again; down on energy, motivation, lack of direction… just generally feeling a bit heavy.

I’ve been keeping busy, but the days feel so long. I’m doing more work as a graphic designer than I have in years, and I’m also getting out of the house more often too. I’m still smoking tobacco though (I’d really like to quit), and when I drink I drink to get drunk. I re-downloaded a dating app recently, and got a few matches, but I feel that I’m a little too transparent to start the chase with anyone just yet, if anything I still think that I’d rather save these women from myself, as no-one out there would truly want to be with a guy like me.

3 days ago I got back on the meds and I’ve had 3 nights of solid sleep. I caught up with the fam last weekend and had a cousin tell me that I seemed better, more lively and chatty than the week before. I don’t remember being any different a week ago, but who knows? Right now I feel a little defeated for getting back on these little pink pills. I also feel especially shitty about smoking tobacco and would really like to quit.