The countdown is on. There are only 7 working days remaining before my resignation as a suit at a largish corporate company becomes effective. A hard slog last year and a short stint overseas had me really think about what the fuck it was that I was doing and made me realise what my priorities are and where I would rather devote and spend my energy. I want out of the matrix so I’m hitting the eject button.
I did what most of my peers did and went to uni and got myself a degree. Don’t get me wrong, the path to the graduation ceremony wasn’t as direct for me as it was for most, despite making it into an academically selective high school. My attendance was patchy, I failed my HSC and my path to obtaining a tertiary qualification meandered through a few different scenarios but I got there in the end and managed to forge the beginnings of a career in my field.
This was exciting, I suppose, since I was reaching the milestones I was supposed to, especially having fucked up on my way there. Five years down the track, I can say that I’m in a pretty good place with some solid experience behind me, except now, I’ve realised, at this point in time, that it’s not the path I want to keep going down. I believe that circumstances, feelings and perspectives evolve over time so everyone has the right to change their mind (so I’m not totally ruling out the possibility of ever working in a corporate environment again) but I’m looking forward to going back to my gut feel and following the intuition that I buried and left behind when I forced myself down the path that was most clearly defined to me at the time. That was, to just choose a degree, do it, and find a job related to it. Put on a suit, go to work and earn a salary. You know, the standard dealio that gains you admission into the club of normal functioning members of society.
When I talk of intuition, I mean the feeling that had me so unmotivated and disengaged at school. There was something about putting on a uniform, going to timetabled classes and churning through a prescribed curriculum that irked me. It wasn’t that I was too cool for school, I knew that it was all supposed to be in my best interests but something deep down always had me question who it was that determined what was best for me. I’ve come to realise over the last few years that this environment has evoked many of the same feelings I had back in high school. You put on a suit, go to work, watch what you say, follow company policy and do what’s expected of you. Of course, there are perks (staff drinks, corporate functions, etc) and you can very well find fulfilment in the right role and organisation, it’s just that the trade-off that I was making just wasn’t worth it for me. It’s been pretty hard to reconcile the time and energy I’ve spent when I feel so far removed from any tangible outcome. I don’t know how I feel about being a small cog in a big machine or a cell in a battery farm. Mind you, I’m not dissing anyone else’s profession or career aspirations, by any means. If you like what you’re doing, then you’re winning, whatever it is. I’m just on my own personal journey to find what it is that I want to spend my hours on. If I’m going to work hard, the sacrifices I make have to sit right with me.
Time, energy and soul is precious and they’re things I’m no longer willing to whore out for just a dollar and some free food and drink. Sure, money is a necessity in the world we live in and there will be times of struggle when doing what you love doesn’t put food on the table, but this is a path I’m willing to explore while I have the chance. Who knows, I may very well find that I’m too much of a pussy for it and come running back to the stability of being a 9-5er. The last 5 years of my life have consisted of dreading Mondays and whinging about not having enough time to do the things I like, and do the things I want. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, or the one who bitches and moans without trying to do anything about it… So come October, I’m heading off to South East Asia to travel, chill and figure out where my interests lie and what it is that I may have and want to offer the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret or am ungrateful for any of the decisions or experiences I’ve had thus far (I’ve actually been quite fortunate) because they’ve given me the opportunity I have now and have brought me to this very exciting point in my life. I’m just ready to go down the rabbit hole.
BOTTOMS UP, BITCHES!